The full transcript of an interview with the Father can be found here.

Yes, this case is in Illinois, and yes, this is an extreme case, but what you must take from this case is the following:

1. Do not take the Judge’s Order’s lightly.  When involved in a divorce, if a Judge enters Orders, these Orders must be followed or else you will be faced with either civil contempt or criminal charges.

2. Religion is as major of a decision as the children’s health.  You cannot make unilateral decisions regarding any of these major issues.  They must be agreed upon and if not agreed upon, you must follow the Judge’s orders.

3. If you decide to raise your children during the marriage as a certain religion, likely the Court will allow the minor child to continue to be exposed to that religion.

The next hearing is March 3rd.  I am interested to see what comes out of this case.

Ms. Manfred gives parents the following tips when discussing your divorce with your college aged children:

How Not to Announce Your Divorce

On the Phone or by Email:

“The worst thing is when the entire divorce plays out over the phone and e-mail,” says Brooke Lea Foster, who went through her parents’ divorce over the phone when she was a college freshman. “You get snippets and constantly feel like you should be there. You feel guilty, embarrassed. You’re just getting to know people at college and are too embarrassed to be crying about Mom and Dad when you’re being an adult for the first time. When you leave home you rely on home to ground you; when home has an earthquake rumbling under it, you’re thrown for a loop.”

At Christmas Dinner:

Your children will feel blindsided if they come home for the holidays only to find out their parents are getting divorced. Tell them when they have some time to absorb the news, such as mid-semester or the end of their freshman year.

Without Telling Your Spouse First:

Adult children bitterly resent it when they feel that the news has been communicated in a sneaky, indirect, dishonest, humiliating, or unnecessarily brutal way. They especially resent it when they are left to break the news to the other parent. Actually, the best way to tell adult children about your divorce is the same way the experts recommend telling small children. If at all possible, you and your husband should sit down with them together when they have some time to digest the news. If your children are in college, wait until they’re home for a long break.

By Telling A Lie:

If you were the one who had an affair, own up to it. Don’t try to lie to your kids, because someone will tell them and they’ll be furious at you for it. If their father had the affair, don’t cover up for him, either. They are grown-ups and can deal with it. If they ask about something, be straight with them–without trashing your ex in the process.

Ways to make your children feel more comfortable during the divorce:

1. Assure your children the divorce is not their fault
2. Try to remain consistent, keep doing the same routine you did prior to the divorce
3. Allow your children to ask questions about the divorce, and provide as honest of questions as you can provide, and if possible, talk to your children with your spouse present.
4. Do not use your children as listening posts.  They are your children, not your confidant.
5. Allow your child to be angry.  Give your child some space, remember, your child did not make this decision, he/she just has to live with it
6. Do not discuss money issues or any other problems due to the divorce with your child
7. Advise the child’s school/teacher of the divorce so he/she can watch for any alarming signs or behavior that need to be addressed
8. Do not introduce your child to boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s until you are sure this person will be in your life for an extended period of time
9. Attend your child’s extracurricular/school functions even though it may not be on your parenting time.  Show your child you are still an active part of their life even though you are not living under the same roof.
10. Do not shower your child with gifts trying to buy his/her love.  They will love you for spending time with them.
11. Agree on a plan with your spouse as to how you will continue to parent the children.  For example, agree on bedtime, computer time, discipline routine, etc.
12. Most importantly, DO NOT berate your spouse around your children.

1. Does the agreement define college?  Does it include vo-tech, junior college, university, and/or graduate school?
2. Does the agreement limit the time frame?  Do you allow your children to take 10 years or so to finish school?
3. Does the agreement have a monetary limit?
4. Does the agreement have a definition for exactly what expenses you will pay or does is it vague?  For example, does your agreement say “reasonable expenses”?  If so, what are the reasonable expenses?  Is this defined?
5. Does the agreement require anything of your minor child?  Do they have to maintain a certain GPA?  Do they have to take a specific number of hours per semester?
6. Can the agreement be modified?  What if you lose your job or ability to pay?
7. Is the agreement insured by an attachment of a life insurance policy?

The Kansas Courts have yet to define “reasonable expenses”, therefore, if you make an agreement regarding college, make sure it is very specific, modifiable and terminable upon certain situations.

What Do Kids Want Parents to Know about Divorce?

GordonPoll Youth Survey(TM) Queries Youth on Divorce, Marriage, and Conflict

In a landmark national survey of teenagers, The GordonPoll Youth Survey(TM) found that more than three-quarters of teens believed that mothers and fathers are equally qualified to care for teens after a divorce. Slightly fewer teens felt that both parents are equally qualified to care for young children after a divorce. They want parents to know that divorce “hurts,” “sucks” and that they “don’t want to be blamed for it” or “caught in the middle.”

The GordonPoll Youth Survey(TM) measures the attitudes, thoughts and feelings of youth about family issues. It is a national online survey of more than 1000 teenagers between the ages of 14 and 18 about divorce. Respondents included both children whose parents are divorced and children whose parents are married. Robert Gordon is a clinical psychologist and attorney.  The GordonPoll advisory group includes a roundtable of advisors who are mental health experts, educators, social scientists and parents.

“The results struck me for two reasons: how much things have changed in the 21st century,” says Dr. Robert Gordon, Director of The GordonPoll Youth Survey(TM). “The fact that so many teenagers believe that mothers and fathers are equally qualified to care for children is a stark contrast from what such a survey would have found even 20 years ago. Despite teenagers’ evolving views of gender roles, however, it is apparent that teenagers are deeply bothered by their parents’ conflicts and very much want their parents to remain married and, most important, happy.”

Perhaps as illuminating as the GordonPoll Youth Survey(TM)’s answers are the comments respondents included when asked “In a divorce, what do kids want parents to know about their feelings?”

“The overwhelming message I received from their comments is that children want their parents to stay together, but if that’s not possible, to keep the children out of the conflict,” Dr. Gordon says. “More than anything, though, the children just want their parents to stay together.”

Among the comments survey respondents made about what kids of divorce want parents to know included:

--  "I want my parents to know that I don't love one parent more than
    another."
--  "I hate having to bounce back and forth every weekend, it gets really
    tiring."
--  "That we do want them together but we want them to be happy."
--  "That they are confused and lonely and sad."
--  "They are disappointed. And their lives will forever change. Deep
    inside they wish for normalcy, and they know they may never have it."
--  "No one can ever be perfect for you. It's a lie. So, for the sake of
    your offspring, stay together, for goodness sake!"

For complete results of March, 2009 poll see:

Survey Link

About “parent arguing” fifty percent of respondents said that it is “terrible” when their parents argue. When asked what “arguing” meant to them, 39 percent said that it was “Disagreeing about things” and 26 percent said it meant “Criticizing the other parent.” Fewer than 35 percent said that “arguing” was marked by screaming, hitting, or “throwing stuff.”

“Clearly, children are more deeply bothered by parent conflict than most adults think,” Dr. Gordon says. “While very few adults would scream, hit or throw things at their spouses, most married couples would admit that they at least occasionally disagree and criticize each other in front of their children. I’d like to think that these survey results would make them think twice about that.”

                  The GordonPoll USA Youth Survey(TM)
                      Spring Edition 2009
                       Complete Results

Are mothers and fathers equally qualified to care for teens following a
divorce?
Yes        76.40%
No         23.59%

Are mothers and fathers equally capable for caring for young children
following a divorce?
Yes        64.60%
No         35.39%

Should grandparents have a say in how their grandchildren are raised after
a divorce?
Yes        40.46%
No         59.53%

How much does it bother you to hear your parents argue?
Not at all         15.69%
It's OK            34.30%
It's terrible      50%

Which of the following best describes what "parents arguing" means to you?
Disagreeing about things        39.18%
Screaming                       31.57%
Throwing stuff                  1.754%
Hitting                         1.169%
Criticizing the other parent    26.31%

What's the best thing to do with a parent who is violent to their spouse?
A long talk with promises made                          12.86%
Serious, thorough counseling                            54.97%
The violent parent should spend time in jail            32.16%

In a divorce, how much money should each parent pay to support their
children?
Each parent should pay the same                                 35.67%
The parent who earns more should pay more                       33.33%
The parent who doesn't live with the kids should pay more       22.22%
The one who wanted the divorce should pay more                  8.771%