BY IRENE CARD AND BETSY CHANDLER

NEWJERSEYNEWSROOM.COM

YOUR HEALTH INSURANCE

Last week I received a phone call from a divorced woman who just learned that she has no health insurance and that she will have a waiting period for pre-existing conditions.

During our discussion I determined that she should have been offered health insurance benefits under the state’s continuation law. When she responded, “My lawyer never told me that,” I knew I had to write a column on this subject. Lawyers are experts on the law, not on health insurance. Whether you are the husband or the wife, when you are going through a divorce, you must bring up the subject of health insurance. It is of utmost importance.

You may want to talk with your health insurance agent first. If you work for a very large company, talk with the human resource department. In this particular case, the husband and wife owned a small business and they were each insured under the company small group plan.

She left the company when the divorce was finalized and he kept her on the plan for the next six months as an active employee. This is fraud. She was no longer an employee. If she had had a major claim during that six- month period, the insurance company could have determined that she wasn’t an employee and refund the premiums and not pay any claims. She should have been told that she could have continued her insurance for 18 months under the Continuation law. NOTE TO READER: THEY ARE REFERRING TO COBRA.

As it was, at the end of the six months she could have purchased her own individual coverage with no waiting period for pre-existing conditions. At the end of six months, her former husband canceled the group plan and didn’t tell her. By the time she found out, the gap with no coverage was too great to allow for a new plan with no waiting period for pre-existing conditions. This is a most unfortunate case as she has major pre-existing conditions and now she is left with no protection for those illnesses for the next six months.

I suggested she go back to the attorney to see what can be done, if anything, to get the former husband to pay some of the expenses. It is important to know that when your divorce becomes final, so does your health insurance. You want to make other arrangements so that you do not find yourself without coverage.

If you work for a company with more than 20 employees, you can continue your benefits for three years. If you work for a small company with less than 20 employees you can continue your benefits for three years under the state’s Continuation Law.

If you are not eligible for group benefits, you can buy individual coverage for yourself but make sure you speak with an insurance agent before your divorce becomes final.

Post-Divorce Dating Pitfalls

About to start dating again after a divorce or the end of a long-term relationship? There are reasons to be careful, but these tips can help you avoid some of the prominent pitfalls that can crop up when returning to love.

By Kimberly Dawn Neumann

Dating Pitfall: You compare every potential partner to your ex
There’s probably no way around this one completely. One way or another, your ex is going to factor into your dating psyche. “Whether admitting it or not, whether conscious or not, it practically always occurs,” says Joel Block, Ph.D., relationship therapist and author of Broken Promises, Mended Hearts: Maintaining Trust in Love Relationships. “This often leads people who are dating again to look for someone different from their ex… very different.” Problems can start if you begin to overcompensate as if to correct for your divorce.

“For example, if the ex was very dominant, then the person might find themselves drawn to someone one step away from a coma — yes, that submissive — and it’s not a good thing,” says Dr. Block. “I’ve seen cases where people totally overcorrect and marry their first spouse’s opposite for their second marriage. Then, they finally find a happier balance for marriage #3!”

Tactic to try: Anytime you catch your brain going into “Ex Mode,” take a time-out and recognize what you’re doing. “It’s probably not your ex-partner or date but rather you getting inside of your own head—so take a deep breath, clear your mind and stop holding yourself hostage to your past,” says Amy Botwinick, author of Congratulations on Your Divorce—The Road to Finding Your Happily Ever After and founder of www.womenmovingon.com. Challenge yourself to inhabit your new self and see who clicks with you. Walking around with a big list of qualities a person must possess (be they identical to your ex or the opposite!) just isn’t helpful! You’ve changed and grown; there’s no need to be hung up on the past.

Dating Pitfall: You’re overcome with dating anxiety
So you’re feeling dating jitters? Join the club. Just because you’ve been out of the loop for a while, don’t think you’re the only one whose heart is pounding. Pretty much everyone feels nervous when meeting someone new. “Will he like me?” or “Will she notice my bald spot?” are not uncommon thoughts for anyone. “Learning to relate closely again is bound to be unsettling but rather than backing away, consider: Do you want to go on protecting yourself or do you want to develop a new relationship?” says Dr. Block. “If you want the latter, it is important to recognize that intimacy always involves some risk; consequently, anxiety is to be expected.”

Tactic to try: To lessen your anxiety, go on mini-dates. “A drink after work, lunch or even coffee when you have something scheduled later are great ways to ease into the scene without the pressure of an elaborately planned evening event,” says Dr. Block. Even if you don’t have something later, pretend you do. Knowing you have a finite time limit will take the pressure off because you have an escape hatch.

If things go great, you can always schedule another rendezvous. But keep first dates short and sweet until you get back into the swing. (Incidentally, the same approach goes for socializing at bars, clubs, and volunteer groups—don’t force yourself to be the first one there and the last one out. At this stage, just stopping by social events for a half-hour to an hour is a fine way to get your feet wet as you build confidence.)

Dating Pitfall: You embark on a dating rampage to prove something to yourself (or your ex)
When people re-enter the dating world, they frequently go a little wild and make some not-so-great dating choices (think “the bad boy” or “ditzy arm candy”). Post-divorce daters may feel a need to prove their desirability to themselves and others—especially if cheating was involved in the breakup. “The partner who has been cheated on feels like he or she has to prove sexual desirability; this helps validate personal attractiveness and worth. But going out and having a string of meaningless flings not only puts one’s sexual health at risk, it can also be emotionally damaging when you wake up feeling empty,” says Botwinick.

Tactic to try: Slow down! There is no need to feel under pressure to “make up for lost time.” Consider group activities which will introduce you to many new people. “That way you’re getting out and being social without the pressure of one-on-one dates until you’re ready to handle it intelligently,” says Dr. Block. Another good idea: Once you do start dating, don’t let things speed ahead too quickly. Check in about your dates with a trusted friend who has solid judgment and no hidden agenda or competitiveness with you. Then, take that advice seriously!

Dating Pitfall: You’re not prepared for intimacy
If you were in a monogamous relationship for a while but are now being thrust back into the field, it can be terrifying to think about being really, really close to someone new (you know, like naked-bodies close!). Before you dive into bed, keep the following in mind: Make sure you’re mentally ready. “If you’re not relaxed with the person, don’t get naked,” says Dr. Block. “But if it’s the first time with someone new in a long time, then know that being a little nervous when you take off your clothes is to be expected.”

Give yourself the time you need to distinguish between more run-of-the-mill nerves and “I really shouldn’t be doing this yet” anxiety. Also use good judgment when considering protection—both against pregnancy and STDs. If you wait to think about this, you may find yourself in an uncomfortable situation, unprepared and endangering your well-being.

Tactic to try: First, don’t let any timetable but your own dictate when to have sex. Don’t worry that your friends and family tell you it’s time to “get out there,” or that the person you’re seeing is getting impatient because you’ve been dating for a month and nothing has happened. Learn to trust your gut. There’s no need to do what others think is best for you or what they think they’d do in your situation. This time in life is about discovering what makes you happy—whether that means having sex because you’re really ready on date number three or taking slow, gradual steps over a much longer timeframe.

Also, make sure you are prepared: See your doctor regarding protection options (or do your own research), and act on the advice you glean. Get tested for STDs if you’ve been having unprotected sex (hope not!), and make sure the other person involved does the same. No need to be cute about it. You’re both adults. Not sure how to broach the subject? Botwinick recommends saying something like “I would love to be intimate with you but I won’t do anything that will put us at risk. It’s your choice but testing and sexual monogamy is non-negotiable if you want to take our relationship to the next level.” Be smart here!

Raising kids can be overwhelming, especially when you are on your own. Children need a sense of responsibility and the best way to do that is to have them shoulder some of the burden of running the household. It helps to have a plan that everyone agrees on. Former family therapist now management consultant John Curtis breaks down the basics of carving up household duties in his book “The Business of Love”.  “Clarity around roles and responsibilities takes the guesswork and emotion out of assigning chores,” said Curtis. “Duties should be based on competency not gender and ability to perform the task.”

“Taking a business approach to your family relationships helps protect the love since nothing erodes these wonderful feelings faster than fighting over who takes out the trash,” said the 58 year-old-author.

1. Make a pledge that you will not let daily duties around the house get in the way of building loving relationships with each other.

2. Write a list of all the chores that have to be performed around the house.

3. Pick who will do what, based on who is most competent or motivated? (Your choices might be: His, Hers, Ours, Rotate, Negotiate, Outsource or maybe just flip a coin.) The key is to put it in writing to make sure you both know who is to do what.

4. Sit down every week and give each other feedback via a “Performance Appraisal” about how well each sees the other performing their duties.

5. Have some fun. To make sure you don’t lose sight of your children’s valuable contributions consider switching job duties every so often. It is always good to understand what it is like to do each other’s chores.

This article was posted on divorce360.com, and the full article can be viewed here.

Should you cancel life insurance policies as a result of divorce??  Should you change the beneficiaries??  To answer this question the owner(s) should consider the purpose of the policy.  Most likely, coverage was obtained in the event of one’s death to cover their burial, pay off the mortgage and other expenses, and to provide for the future of their family.  If the purpose was to provide for the benefit of the family, it is generally advisable to keep the policy until the child support obligation has expired.

Most likely, the higher earning spouse has the life insurance policy in question, and is generally the person who is responsible for paying child support to the other spouse.  I often suggest to keep the policy in place, and the beneficiary be the other parent, “in trust for the minor children”.  This way, if the providing spouse were to die, the life insurance proceeds can be used to replace the lost child support. The most problematic issue is trust.  The other spouse often does not trust that the paying spouse will keep the policy, will not change beneficiaries or will pay the premium.  There are several ways to get around this problem.  One option is to have the paying spouse provide annual proof premiums were paid, or ask the policy ownership be put in your name. This may require paying the premium yourself, however, the out of pocket expense can be figured into the other financial negotiations in your divorce settlement.

“I understand that he has a mom and I respect that,” Bundchen said of the son from Brady’s previous relationship with actress Bridget Moynihan. “But, to me, it’s not like because somebody else delivered him that’s not my child. I feel it is, 100 percent.”

Public reaction to this quote has been mixed.  One one hand, you want to be happy that the other woman in your child’s life love’s him/her as her own, but on the other hand, you want to lash out and feel angry that another woman loves your child as her own for the simple fact that you are the mother, NOT her.  Here is a great interview from Good Morning America, in light of the above listed quote.  This interview features a mom, stepmom and interviews with the children.

There a lot of great resources for stepparenting which I plan on continually posting. Please continue to check back for resources such as websites, books, blogs and classes.

Social Security Benefits general rules:

1. Your ex-spouse must still be living
2. You must know your ex-spouses social security number
3. Your ex-spouse is entitled to Social Security benefits
4. Your marriage lasted 10 years or longer
5. You are unmarried
6. You are age 62 or older
7. The benefit you are entitled to receive based on your own work is less than the benefits you would receive on your ex’s work

If your ex-spouse is deceased, you can receive benefits, but the circumstances are very limited.  I would suggest to discuss your options with an attorney due to the limited circumstances that apply in this situation.