This article was posted on MSNBC:
What Do Kids Want Parents to Know about Divorce?
GordonPoll Youth Survey(TM) Queries Youth on Divorce, Marriage, and Conflict
In a landmark national survey of teenagers, The GordonPoll Youth Survey(TM) found that more than three-quarters of teens believed that mothers and fathers are equally qualified to care for teens after a divorce. Slightly fewer teens felt that both parents are equally qualified to care for young children after a divorce. They want parents to know that divorce “hurts,” “sucks” and that they “don’t want to be blamed for it” or “caught in the middle.”
The GordonPoll Youth Survey(TM) measures the attitudes, thoughts and feelings of youth about family issues. It is a national online survey of more than 1000 teenagers between the ages of 14 and 18 about divorce. Respondents included both children whose parents are divorced and children whose parents are married. Robert Gordon is a clinical psychologist and attorney. The GordonPoll advisory group includes a roundtable of advisors who are mental health experts, educators, social scientists and parents.
“The results struck me for two reasons: how much things have changed in the 21st century,” says Dr. Robert Gordon, Director of The GordonPoll Youth Survey(TM). “The fact that so many teenagers believe that mothers and fathers are equally qualified to care for children is a stark contrast from what such a survey would have found even 20 years ago. Despite teenagers’ evolving views of gender roles, however, it is apparent that teenagers are deeply bothered by their parents’ conflicts and very much want their parents to remain married and, most important, happy.”
Perhaps as illuminating as the GordonPoll Youth Survey(TM)’s answers are the comments respondents included when asked “In a divorce, what do kids want parents to know about their feelings?”
“The overwhelming message I received from their comments is that children want their parents to stay together, but if that’s not possible, to keep the children out of the conflict,” Dr. Gordon says. “More than anything, though, the children just want their parents to stay together.”
Among the comments survey respondents made about what kids of divorce want parents to know included:
-- "I want my parents to know that I don't love one parent more than
another."
-- "I hate having to bounce back and forth every weekend, it gets really
tiring."
-- "That we do want them together but we want them to be happy."
-- "That they are confused and lonely and sad."
-- "They are disappointed. And their lives will forever change. Deep
inside they wish for normalcy, and they know they may never have it."
-- "No one can ever be perfect for you. It's a lie. So, for the sake of
your offspring, stay together, for goodness sake!"
For complete results of March, 2009 poll see:
About “parent arguing” fifty percent of respondents said that it is “terrible” when their parents argue. When asked what “arguing” meant to them, 39 percent said that it was “Disagreeing about things” and 26 percent said it meant “Criticizing the other parent.” Fewer than 35 percent said that “arguing” was marked by screaming, hitting, or “throwing stuff.”
“Clearly, children are more deeply bothered by parent conflict than most adults think,” Dr. Gordon says. “While very few adults would scream, hit or throw things at their spouses, most married couples would admit that they at least occasionally disagree and criticize each other in front of their children. I’d like to think that these survey results would make them think twice about that.”
The GordonPoll USA Youth Survey(TM)
Spring Edition 2009
Complete Results
Are mothers and fathers equally qualified to care for teens following a
divorce?
Yes 76.40%
No 23.59%
Are mothers and fathers equally capable for caring for young children
following a divorce?
Yes 64.60%
No 35.39%
Should grandparents have a say in how their grandchildren are raised after
a divorce?
Yes 40.46%
No 59.53%
How much does it bother you to hear your parents argue?
Not at all 15.69%
It's OK 34.30%
It's terrible 50%
Which of the following best describes what "parents arguing" means to you?
Disagreeing about things 39.18%
Screaming 31.57%
Throwing stuff 1.754%
Hitting 1.169%
Criticizing the other parent 26.31%
What's the best thing to do with a parent who is violent to their spouse?
A long talk with promises made 12.86%
Serious, thorough counseling 54.97%
The violent parent should spend time in jail 32.16%
In a divorce, how much money should each parent pay to support their
children?
Each parent should pay the same 35.67%
The parent who earns more should pay more 33.33%
The parent who doesn't live with the kids should pay more 22.22%
The one who wanted the divorce should pay more 8.771%