Divorce is not only an emotionally and personally devastating event, it can be extremely detrimental to your work performance. It is imperative for you to keep your job during this time as divorce is also a financially difficult period. I recently came across an article discussing several tips on how to keep the impact of your divorce on your job as minimal as possible.
Personal problems such as divorce or a troubled marriage often become so overwhelming that they threaten to sabotage all aspects of one’s life, including career. During this challenging time, it becomes especially important to exercise as much “damage control” as possible. In order to maintain your professional life despite your personal problems, you’ll need to prioritize at work in ways you might not have done in the past. Here’s help from some divorce experts who offered career tips:
1. Keep your divorce private: Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D., who also goes by the name Dr. Romance, is a licensed psychotherapist and author of Money, Sex and Kids: Stop Fighting about the Three Things That Can Ruin Your Marriage. Tessina suggests avoiding telling anyone at work about the divorce unless they need to know for business reasons. (If you have to take time off for court, your boss will need to know why.) “Keep your personal life to yourself. That will make it much easier to leave your divorce stress out of the office.”
2. Talk about your problems with someone outside of work: Tessina suggests finding someone outside of work that you can talk to about your marital problems. “It’s too expensive to talk to your attorney and you need somewhere to blow off the steam,” she said. She thinks it’s a good idea to ask a good friend or a family member for support. If no one is available, go for counseling. “As a counselor, I have lawyers who refer divorcing clients to me. I can help them calm down, stop them from acting out (which has severe repercussions in divorce) and help them decide how to talk to the mediator, the judge, their family members and in-laws and their children about the situation,” she said.
3. Keep work at work and home at home: Compartmentalize, Tessina said. “When you get in your car at home, shut the car door on the divorce — give yourself that drive time to escape the divorce problems. When you get out of your car at work, firmly shut the car door on any personal thoughts and get into work mode. When you leave work, shut the work door on work problems and don’t take them home. If you compartmentalize like this, you’ll get some relief and your problems won’t overlap each other.”
4. Try to schedule your court dates convenient to your work schedule: “You don’t want to miss any more work than you have to. The good news is you may not have to,” said Nancy J. Dreeben, matrimonial and family attorney. “Judges recognize that people need to work. In fact, money is generally the main issue in a divorce. If there is a legitimate reason to put the case on the 3 p.m. calendar as opposed to the 9:30 a.m. calendar, a judge is likely to do so.”
5. Try to schedule other appointments convenient to your work schedule: “If child custody is disputed, it is not uncommon for a litigant to have to meet with the child’s attorney and/or court-appointed expert. Again, it never hurts to ask for appointments convenient to your work schedule,” Dreeben said.
6. Give your employer adequate notice when you do have to miss work: Dreeben said most court dates are arranged at least one month in advance. “Provide your employer with your court date and time as soon as possible and offer to make up your time before the court date. . . . You need the money and your employer needs you,” she said.
7. Work diligently to settle your case: “There is nothing worse than having your fate, the fate of your spouse and the fate of your children in the hands of a judge when you are close to resolving the case amongst yourselves,” Dreeben said. “Taking time off for a trial will be financially devastating for you and your employer. If you must try your case, then try to schedule it during your vacation time.”
8. Don’t communicate with your attorney during work, except in the event of an emergency: “When you speak with your attorney you should be in a private place and be able to concentrate. Attorneys charge by the minute. When they tell you something, you need to comprehend it the first time so you don’t have to pay twice to hear the same information,” Dreeben noted.
9. Don’t communicate with your soon-to-be former spouse during work, except in the event of an emergency: “Often these conversations are volatile, which may cause you to become emotional and may negatively impact your concentration and work product. . . . Again, the phones at work are for work-related issues,” Dreeben said.
10. Don’t use the copier at work to copy litigation papers: There is a process during litigation known as discovery, when you and your spouse provide financial documentation concerning income, benefits, etc. “Either use your home copier or go to a copy shop. These matters are extremely private and should not be shared, by mistake or otherwise, with colleagues,” Dreeben said.
11. Don’t inadvertently involve your employer in your litigation.
All information provided in litigation must be truthful, Dreeben noted. “If you make $20 an hour and say you make $10 an hour because you think the judge will make your spouse give you more money, you are wrong. Instead what will happen is that your employer will be subpoenaed to testify with regards to your income,” she said.
12. Don’t use your office computer for personal use.
Your hard and soft drives could be sought for discovery purposes . Your employer will not take kindly to having company equipment seized.
13. Don’t ask your employer to reduce your pay during a divorce for any reason.
If you are a valued employee, you will be putting your employer in an impossible predicament, Dreeben noted. “If you are not a valued employee, you may be terminated.”
14. Focus on work and your work priorities, but with a twist: Keep your focus short and intense.
“Unfortunately, divorce and other high stressors have a way of zapping energy and detracting from the job,” said LeslieBeth Wish, a licensed psychologist and social worker. “Since divorce often increases a sense of loss of control and decreases feelings of self-worth, the last thing you want to do is perform poorly at work. So, divide up your tasks into do-able segments.”
15. Consider taking cry breaks.
By lunchtime, consider taking a three-minute cry break, Wish said. “Go into a bathroom stall or go sit in your car and have a little cry. Crying out your hurt rids your body of stress toxins.”
16. Conserve energy.
Turn down unnecessary assignments so you focus on yourself and your health, Wish said.
17. Make note of abuse.
Do not talk about your divorce at work and schedule personal days to deal with court appearances. The single exception about divorce talk at work, according to Bonnie Russell, a licensed psychotherapist, is when abuse is involved. “In this case, document, document, document and ask all co-workers to alert you should they see his car in the area,” Russell said.
